


Speak Now

by WritingOutLoud



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence - The Sign of Three, Don't copy to another site, F/M, Fluff and Angst, John Watson's Wedding, M/M, POV Sherlock Holmes, Post-Reichenbach, Pre-Slash, Sherlock Holmes Has Feelings, Sherlock comes back 6 months later, The Empty Hearse doesn't exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 17:54:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19114753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingOutLoud/pseuds/WritingOutLoud
Summary: "I couldn't let you get married without knowing that I love you."Sherlock comes back 6 months later than expected, to find John and Mary are getting married.





	Speak Now

When I came back, the first thing I did was ask for you. There was, and still is, no imaginable future for me in London without you by my side. I had hoped, rather arrogantly in hindsight, that you would be here waiting for me. That you would have figured out that I wasn’t really gone and would be waiting for my return.

How foolish of me.

The first thing Mycroft did was hand me a wedding invitation. Addressed to him, it happily announced the wedding of Mary Elizabeth Morstan and John Hamish Watson; inviting the reader to spend the 18th May celebrating with them.

A small part of me died on reading those words. The hope that I had kindled in my heart was blown out, leaving only dust behind. Of course you wouldn't wait for me. I should never have expected you to.

Mycroft never said anything, merely placing his hand on my shoulder and walking out of the room. To an outsider, it could have been mistaken as brotherly. He knew without asking what was flashing through my mind at that moment. That my chance was gone, and the revelation that I’d had over the two years away had all been in vain. You would never know how I felt.

I told myself that I was fine, and that I was happy for you. I would wait until after the wedding, then break the news of my return. I would not interrupt your happy day.

 

And yet, here I am.

I’m stood at the back of the church, hiding in the shadows, as per usual. I’m wearing a low lying hat to hide my face, hoping that no-one recognises me. It shouldn't be difficult- no-ones looking. Not anymore.

I really shouldn't be here. You have no idea that I’m still alive, and even if you did you wouldn't want me here. Not after everything I’ve done.

We were something once. The two of us against the rest of the world. Watson and Holmes; the perfect team, the perfect partnership. Wherever one went the other would follow. Now, I don’t know. I’m not stupid. I know how marriage changes people and I know that we can’t just go back to how we were before. I ensured that. Yet, I would give anything to try.

You’re already stood at the altar, waiting. For the briefest of moments, I allow myself to imagine that it’s me you’re waiting for. I am snapped out of my delusion by the sight of Mary Morstan arriving at the end of the aisle, bridesmaids in tow. As you know, this isn't really my area, but I suppose she does look quite beautiful. You match.

I take a seat in the back row. Mercifully, it is almost empty. Only Anthea sits at the end of the pew. I should have known my brother would send someone to check on me. The meddling idiot.

She nods at me briefly, and I return the gesture before turning to watch you. The smile that lights up your face when you see Mary sends an ache up my throat. You looked at me like that too, once.

I called you my conductor of light. Whilst that is still true, up until now I failed to see how you yourself are your own source. Your smile lights up the room, reaching into each of the corners and chasing the darkness away. I can’t help but smile back, even knowing that it is not directed at me.

The vicar begins talking as soon as Mary reaches you. You take her hand, whispering something into her ear- no doubt complementing her appearance. She giggles, lacing her fingers through yours.

You look so happy, standing next to her. I wish beyond anything that I hadn’t waited this long to come back. That it hadn’t taken this long for me to realise that what I felt for you was love. I have suspected for some time that we have something special between us, Miss Adler seemed all too delighted to point that out, but I had not understood it until you were no longer with me. Until I couldn't have you.

I think, on some level, you know this too. Whether or not you understand it yet is a different matter. You may never. I only wish I could have told you before it was too late.

 

“If anyone knows of a reason this couple should not be married, then speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Before I realise it, I’ve stood up. I freeze for a moment, surprised at myself, cursing internally. I should have seen this coming. Mycroft certainly did.

All eyes turn to me, and I delicately take the hat off my head, leaving it dangling from my fingers. From the front, Lestrade snaps to his feet before being dragged back down by Molly. A smile adorns her lips. This is the day she’s been waiting for.

Your face is indecipherable. You’re standing stock still at the altar, your hands still adjoined with your almost-wife’s. I groan internally and wish that I had more self-control. This was not how it was meant to go. I wasn't meant to be here, let alone confront you like this. But here we are. I can’t take it back now. Might as well go all the way.

“John, I-” I start, stumbling over my words. I had not planned this. I have no idea what to say.

Your hands fall from Mary’s and curl into fists by your sides. You’re alternating breathing through your mouth and your nose, as if you're trying to keep it steady. I know this isn't what you expected of today. I’m sorry.

“Short story: not dead.”A small wave of muttering seems to echo through the church as if this shocks them. I remember after a second that half of the church is Mary’s, who probably don’t know who I am. After all, it has been two years.

“Surprisingly enough I was not meant to be here today, for several reasons.” I almost smile, then catch myself.Not good. “I never intended to be here, because I thought that watching you get married would be too painful for me. But you know me, I couldn't help myself.”

I shove my free hand into my pocket, simply so it doesn't just hang there. I have no idea how to conduct myself- it’s not like I have much experience in this field.

“John, as you know I am not the kind of man who frequently takes to emotional declarations. I am, by all accounts, a difficult person to be around, let alone be friends with. But you have been a dear friend to me and I hope that one day you will forgive me.”

“I value you more than any other person I have met, and you are certainly the only person who has ever understood me for who I am, rather than who I pretend to be. Except, perhaps, Mrs Hudson.” You smile at that, just a little. No-one else would notice, but I know you.

“So please. Know that I do not say this maliciously, or with any hope that you will change your mind. I just could not let you get married without you knowing-“ I pause for just a moment, mustering up the courage to take the final step. Past the point of no return. “Without knowing that I love you.”

The church really goes up in arms at that. I hear a few profanities whispered in my direction, their owners not bothering to be discreet. I suppose, really, that I deserve it. I have ruined their perfect day.For a second I think I hear the voice of Lestrade muttering “I knew it!”, but it drowns so quickly in the sea of whispered words that I can’t be sure.

Before I lose my nerve again, I continue:

“If you choose to get married today then that’s okay, you deserve all the happiness in the world. More than I can give you. I just need you to understand this: John Watson, you are the love of my life and I’m sorry that I left you.”

When I finish, I quickly look to the floor, not wanting to see your reaction. I don’t think I could handle the rejection. Before I can say anything more I drop the hat and make my way out of the church, panic rising in my chest. I’m not entirely sure what I’ve just done. I may have just ruined the only friendship that matters to me.

The door is within my reach when I am stopped by a firm grip on my shoulder. It holds me, steady and sure, and I know without question who it belongs to before I turn around.

I sag, preparing myself for the inevitable. You’ll either punch me or start shouting, and I know that I deserve them both after the stunt I just pulled.I’m not sure why my deluded brain ever thought it was a good idea.

However, the look you give me when I finally turn is not one of anger but is soft and crinkled around the edges. I can see now the lines where you’ve aged, outlining your eyes and the corner of your mouth. Lines that I put there.

“John, I’m sorry, I-“

And that’s when you kiss me.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I got inspiration for this fic from Taylor Swift's 'Speak Now'. I love all your comments, please let me know what you think!


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